4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
