Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
