We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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