I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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