you traded sex for a burrito?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
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