Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
It's no shave November. This is our time.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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