A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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