I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
