i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
