I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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