Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
