I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
