so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
