Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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