I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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