anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
