All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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