Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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