hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
