I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
