She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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