I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
