I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
