If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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