I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
