This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
