drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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