I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
