I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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