Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
