I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I could fuck to npr.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
