You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
