You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
