Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
