I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
ok first of all what the fuck
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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