I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
