Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
