I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
The air taste purple.
Randomize
