So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
