last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
