he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
