Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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