I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
