My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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