best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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