Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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