I cannot find my penis.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
