Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
