I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
