I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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