whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
