every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I believe in your delicious
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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